All growth is a leap in the dark, a spontaneous unpremeditated act without the benefit of experience."

— Henry Miller, Author

Saturday, June 19, 2010

blah @ new blog

Hmmm I think it’s about time for  a new blog, yes? It’s been so long since I’ve posted I don’t even remember what this friggin blog is about.

It would seem that I’m a wayward child of competitive fitness; but ummmm I ain’t jacked for shit!  I might get sucked into a place so shallow that I’d believe that fitness came in a particular size if it weren’t for all of the many things that I’ve had going on over the last few months since I’ve “lost my way”. Since March, I made it through the multi-day final hearing of a 2 year custody battle over my 8 year old son Jacob, a volunteer trip to Haiti, studying for and (hopefully) passing my Nursing Boards, and making it through the first month of a 1000 mile custody transition. All while doing the tedious tasks of cooking, cleaning, laundry, gardening, parenting, studying, planning, working out,  traveling, FREAKING OUT, trying to maintain sanity, and DARE I say it, sleeping! Guess what?!?!? I’m motherfucking fit. I can perform at the drop of a hat, woth half an hours rest…. Just sayin.

UGH! I’ve been more than distracted since March 1. Having to abandon my original “debut” left me a bit frazzled in the beginning, but I have to say that that was largely due to self-imposed unrealistic expectations, which I am frequent flier of. I don’t like rest, don’t like taking breaks. I like having so much shit on my plate that I don’t have time to breathe or take a dump. If anything needs to happen, if anybody needs anything I’ll raise my hand before I have a chance to orient myself and um, to be honest, I’m used to getting away with it.

I’m so used to presenting for so many things that I’m never able to commit to 100% but my end result at that level is still usually a damn good job. It seems that fitness just isn’t that way! Lol. APPARENTLY you can’t put forth anything less than 100% and expect to get 100% in return. And um, I tried. I feel lik I’ve worked hard. Mmhmm. I get up early, I lift like a psycho, pump through cardio etc eat clean; but it just isn’t there. I feel the absence of drive, and since it’s been gone, the visibility of progress is lacking. I check shit off of my to-do list, but there’s nothing behind it. “fake it till you make it” doesn’t apply to everything. Especially when it comes to, you know, EVERYTHING.

This blog isn’t even about saying “oh gosh, I haven’t been focused but I am now! Har har har” …….. I’ve done those blogs before and want to delete them, but doing so would be invalidating. INSTEAD, I make no fucking promises. (Yeah I said fucking) I’m not promising anybody shit. My desire to do this is my own so I don’t feel the need to be accountable to someone else; I’m accountable to me. I’ll make my OWN goals and anybody that REALLY knows me knows that nothing is changing in my world unless I want it. I’ll set my own fucking date. I’m looking for an igniting spark to burn my ass, not kudos.

The fact of the matter is that I’ve never done anything in life that I didn’t excel at, and I’m not about to start now. I’ve never given up, I’ve never failed. Sometimes I slack to see what I can get away with, but I fucking love being yelled at. Idk what to tell you. That being said, I don’t want to hear anyone else’s expectations of me projected….

I’m on it. My desires haven’t changed. I will compete. I will compete again.,. and again.. and again.

I won’t compete today tough.

And I’m okay with that….. I’m still going to the fucking gym at the ass crack of dawn tomorrow.

1 comment:

  1. I feel you, baberilla... Keep doing it for you and you alone! In the end, you're gonna feel a helluva lot better!
    -Brandon B.