RAWR

I don't want to post, and do you know why? Because I'd be posting about an epic fail. I didn't make my show.... But I'm okay with this.

Everybody talks about "the journey... the journey" and I'm like suck it, I want it over... but after going through it, the process was fucking fun. Granted, I didn't make show, but I still put the fucking work in. I still rode it out. I still did what I could.

I sit here now with more knowledge than I went in with, and a new frame of mind for all goals in the future. I know that there's no limit to how hard I can bust my ass because each day, I can push the limit further and further. I KNOW that I can be on the verge of death and STILL push harder, and I want to do it. I WANT to feel like I'm gonna die. I want to know that I'm doing all I can, and I WANT to be able to do more and more each time. It sucks that I won't compete, but I mean, am I really losing? I think not.

SO FUCK IT! I didn't compete. SO FUCKING WHAT! I'll still ride on. There's always another show.

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My SUPERWOMAN!!!

I've thought about posting a blog about this girl for a couple of months now and I guess put it off because I wanted to organize the words.... But every time I hear this song I think of her. And with the intro on this particular live version I will never hear this song without her in mind.



What amazes me about people is just how different we all are. In this life where you meet so many people and you're expected to form some sort of menial relationship with them all, it's often hard to wean out the good jelly beans from the bad. I've never met anyone in my life like this girl!



We met while tending bar together in a shit bar in GA, and I can't even mention some of the trouble we've gotten into together. She's been there for some of the greatest highs of my life as well as some of the deepest depressions and has always been the same reliable HONEST chick. I can always count on her to tell me the truth, and to lie to me when she KNOWS I need to be lied to. I've never known anyone in my life that has been soooooo loyal to our friendship and to me, and one could only hope to know a gal like this in all their days on Earth.

My gosh Lisa, I think back and I can't believe that I've only known you for something like 6 years. It totally feels like we shared space in the nursery as newborns!!!!

I love you so much and I'm so glad that my life has been enhanced by knowing you. It really is such a gift, and to bring this full circle to some degree, just know that I will never take you for granted.

PS I tried to post the pic where you sneak kissed me at the moose but for some reason the photo link isn't here....

"I am always doing that which I can not do, in order that I may learn how to do it."
– Pablo Picasso

19 days out!!!

I was on the stepmill this morning and as I zoned out to forget about the burning in my legs, I started thinking about this journey. I thought back to my very first time on the stepmill and how I couldn't make it past 15 minutes at like level 4 and here I was doing 45 mins up to level 12. When I began this road to compete (beit a whole year ago) I don't think it ever really sunk in that I would become more fit. I wasn't aware that I would be crashing through personal barriers one day at a time and pushing myself through some of the toughest mental struggles I've faced to date (and I've had plenty). All I had in mind was being on stage in a bikini and I assumed that I would be terrified and unprepared. Competing is something that I've wanted to do for so many years, but it's always been something that I've believed was so far away from me and something that I'd likely not experience.

Well now here I am 19 days out from my very first competition. With all of the emotions that I'm feeling right now and the fear and anxiety of not making it, I know that I will. It's taken a while but I've finally gotten to the place where I believe that this is real, and I'm gonna do it because it's in me. I put on my suit and heels yesterday and for the first time ever, I was so comfortable in it I felt like I could just stroll around the house all day in it. For the first time I felt like it belonged on my body.

I look at myself in the mirror and I'm amazed at what I'm looking at, and in 19 days I will no longer have to look at pictures of other people for motivation because I'll have my OWN pictures to motivate me. Once I'm on and off that stage, watch out. All I need to do is get the "First time jitters" out of the way and then it's on like DONKEY KONG.

That stage is mine and I'm gonna frigging rock it like nobody's business.... And then I'm probably gonna cry like a baby in the arms of anyone that hugs me. lol

Losing it!!!

At this point, I've kind of lost myself. I don't remember how far out I am, something like 4 weeks, 3 weeks almost? I'm kind of just trucking along quietly, trying to keep from asking myself WHY I'm doing this to begin with because well, asking myself that question right now just may thwart my October 23rd goal.

So far, outside of gym and diet activities, I have my suit and shoes, I booked my makeup appt, I know what I'm doing with my hair, I just have to schedule to get my nails done, body hair removal (yikes) and try out tanning products. OH and most importantly, nail my posing and my walk.

I can't help but feel like I need to also re-motivate myself. I feel like every little thing is distracting me, not because it's ACTUALLY a distraction, but because I think I'm searching for an excuse not to do this show. I really don't want this to happen, so I think I'm going to have to make a real concerted effort to keep it at bay. After the shit that has consumed my life for the past few years, I can tolerate ANYTHING for 3 weeks, and that's what I'm just going to have to tell myself everyday.

But for now, I need to update my playlist with even harder jams than last week... I totally need a boost.

GANGSTA Playlist

I took all of my favorites from the past 6-8 months or so and tossed them into this pot. I added a couple of new things but not much. In the past I had been dividing playlists by lifting, SS cardio, and high intensity, but after just throwing it all together I think I'm happy with what I got. I have to say, I've really enjoyed myself in the gym these past few days. lol I guess it's kind of hard looking back at it, but I love it. These songs are in no particular order either. I usually pick a song to start with, then hit shuffle for the rest.

Enjoy!

Deftones- Rocket Skates
Nine Inch Nails - Heresy
Lincoln Park- Bleed it Out
Prodigy- Mindfields
The Immortals- Mortal Kombat Theme
Korn- Coming Undone
Metallica- Die Die My Darling
Danzig- Belly of The Beast
Young Geezy- Go Getta
Nine Inch Nails - Deep
Eminem w/ Pink- Won't Back Down
White Zombie- More Human Than Human
VNV Nation- Interceptor
Korn- Twisted Transistor
Gilbere Forte- Black Chukkas
Prodigy- Smack My bitch up (oldie but goodie)
50 Cent- Get Up
Slipknot- New Abortion
Korn- Oildale (leave me alone)
Godsmack- Keep Away
David ?Guetta- Gettin over
Social Distortion- Reach For the Sky
Eminem- Almost Famous
White Zombie- Creature at the Wheel
Slipknot- Psychosocial
Prodigy- Firestarter
Metallica- Fuel
Nine Inch Nails- We're in the Together
Slipknot- Spit it out
Nine Inch Nails- Sin (from Halo 17)
Godsmack- Straight out of Line
TI- Swagga Like Us
Three 6 mafia- Stay Fly
New ORder- Confusion
VNV Nation- Joy
Young Jeezy- Who dat
Ozzy Osbourne- Let me HEar you Scream
Deftones- Diamond Eyes

Not Giving Up Now

So now I'm about 6 weeks out from my show, and basically it's now or never. I think I've successfully used up every excuse in the book in order to procrastinate just a bit before really buckling down and getting this done. I no longer have room for error. Now, this might scare me, but considering the fact that I've just always been the type of person that holds off until the last minute before really pushing through, I'm more excited about the next 6 weeks (5.5ish?) than I was when I decided that I wanted to compete.

Yes that's right, I'm a procrastinator. But that's not because I'm lazy, but rather I just can't move at a slow steady pace. I have to bang things out in one fell swoop, which has basically been the way I've approached this competition business. I've noticed as I've mentioned before that I'll totally bust ass for a good 4-5 weeks and make great progress, then cool off for a few days or so before pushing again. This is probably the most risky thing that I could do, but you know what? I'm determined to bang out the next 6 weeks with NOFEAR and plenty of psychotic obsession over what I'm eating, how I'm resting, and what I'm doing in the gym.

My power song for this? oh keep reading. It's not Godsmack, but it certainly makes me optimistic about my commitment to the next 6 weeks. It's called "We're Not Giving Up Now"


So I'm back in the gym @ 5am M-F, and doing other random psychotic classes on the weekends such as Sunday Session, spin, and Level as best as I can tolerate while staving off injuries. I'm just going to have to take this 1 day at a time, moment by moment, pushing myself like it's my only day to work that hard. Then get right back up the next day and do it again.

Alone Time: The Elusive Dream

It seems like I'm never allotted enough time to just sit on my ass and just be. I love being alone in such a way that allows me just enough time to clear my head. I love the feeling of having scratched everything off of my to do list and just being able to just BLAHHHHHHHHH! This feeling is right on the tip of my tongue and I just can't wait!

I've spent the past 4 days cleaning the house from top to bottom, doing every ounce of laundry, putting checks in the mail, 4-5 doctors appointments for me and Jacob, various meetings, trips, scheduling, and other menial tasks for the chance to just sit on my ass tomorrow and not have these things looming in the back of my head. These things pull at my brain stem and keep me from being able to let go and I'm over it! I've been such a high strung wreck lately and I'M HAVING NONE OF IT TOMORROW! RAWRRRR

It just feels so good to be able to take a breath when you need it. Man am I glad that I don't own any weapons, because this chance doesn't roll around too often.

I'm gonna treat myself to a mani-pedi, maybe a walk around town with my lover, Frank (my ipod) before I head home it sit around the house burning a self made oil blend while enjoying one of the 5 books that I'm currently reading. I want my BIGGEST dilemma tomorrow to be "should I make this a Mingus and Davis evening, or a Krishna Das and Dead Can Dance one?"

Tendonitis

"Most injuries involving the Iron come from ego. I once spent a few weeks lifting weight that my body wasn't ready for and spent a few months not picking up anything heavier than a fork. Try to lift what you're not prepared to and the Iron will teach you a little lesson in restraint and self-control" -Henry Rollins

Well. I guess I got schooled.

Anybody Have a Shovel?

I need to do some digging.

I'm something like 9 weeks out and feel like I need a little boost! This past week wasn't the best for me for one reason or another, but I'm determined to make this week so much better. It seems that I follow a little pattern of behavior when it comes to "pushing it" in the gym. I go hard for 4-5 weeks, then I slack. Like I need a break or need to reset. I haven't yet figured out what's up with this or how to get past it completely, but I have some theories and I'm all about testing them out.

I think that just as workouts and diets have to be changed up and switched around in order to achieve results, so must one's motivation. The progress that I achieved over the past 6 weeks (which was a 5 pound weight loss) had nothing to do with my goal of competing in October. It was because I made a bet with someone that I could lose that amount of weight before he would hit his weight loss goal in the same time period. Believe me when I say that I busted my ass to get there. Managed to fark around and get shin splints in the meantime, and even with that injury as a potential excuse, I pushed ahead anyway and met my goal.

Now what?

Well I still have my competition goal date of October 23rd. I'm also doing Warrior Dash in September. But what is it that will afford me the same determination as when I made that bet? Perhaps I need another specific goal as I had before? Or someone to make me accountable? Pffffft wait what? I HAVE a specific goal. and I HAVE people to be accountable to. But What is gonna make me get out of bed every morning with the same fierce energy and desire as the weeks past?

I ask these questions of myself and I think of this song "Cryin Like a Bitch" By Godsmack. You can find the video below and I encourage you to actually check it out. Besides the fact that having the ever-sexy Sully Erna scream at you that you're crying like a bitch, I find these specific parts of the song to be particularly motivating in a somewhat nagging and demeaning manner:

"I'm tougher than nails.
I can promise you that.
Step out of line
And you get bitch-slapped back.
And you can run
Your little mouth all day,
But the hand of God
Just smacked you back into yesterday

Blinded by
Your sacred faded past times
Only time is your enemy.
Granted a second chance
To prove that your arrogance
Is stronger than you'll ever be.
It's stronger than you can be"

Kind of makes you want to be like "IT IS NOT! I'LL SHOW YOU!!" Aside from that, watching these UFC guys train and fight in the video just makes me want to drop and bust out 100 pushups. The energy in this video is just amazing.



With all of that being said, I need to get my shit together. I need a very specific motivator by the end of the day; one that will actually work. Anybody wanna place any bets, I'm down. In the meantime, I need to compile some new tunes to get me going in the gym, since I'll be flying solo next week. :(

A Little Excitement Never Hurt Anybody..........

I certainly can't survive without it! I've had the best summer and nothing particularly marked has even occurred that would cause someone (who wasn't me) to say "oh hey that's really cool". I've had a lot to be excited about but I think that what I've been most impressed with are my relationships with people. I've met some truly AMAZING people this year, and have taken the time to get reacquainted with old friends and I have to say that each and every one of them has enhanced my life in a magnanimous way! I'm really happy ot know such good people.

Enough of that.

So as of right now I'm planning to do the NPC New Englands in Boston in October, and while I plan to go to Vegas in November, I'm a little unsure as to whether or not I want to compete there. Part of me wants to go to experience VEgas because well, I've never been. I won't be able to do that during my time there if I compete unless I stay longer, which isn't really possible in November. We'll see how it goes.

I've also vowed to be better at blogging.. YA know, doing it more frequently, and actually making good posts. lol I just haven't allocated the necessary time to that sort of thing. I'll get on it... My next post will be AMAZINGGGG!!! LOL

New Playlist!!!

After toying around for months trying to find the perfect heavy playlist, I think I've got a good thing here. Every song on this playlist TOTALLY wakes me the hell up and makes my workout a really great one..

Metallica- Fuel
STP- Unglued
Slipknot- Psychosocial
White Zombie- More Human Than Human
White Zombie- Creature of the Wheel
Slipknot- Spit it Out
Slipknot- New Abortion
Metallica- Die Die My Darling
Danzing- Belly of the Beast
Manson- Beautiful People
Static X- Cold
Disturbed- Down withe the sickness
Ministry- Jesus Built My Hotrod
Godsmack- Cryin Like aBitch
NIN- March of the Pigs
Tool- Stinkfist
SOAD- IEAIAIO

Hello mojo.....

Just wanted to post because well, I haven't posted in a while and I intend to get back to it. I don't know if my last post was before or after I had pneumonia, but that would be just another thing to add to that list.... After being sidelined for 2 weeks with that, I'm back in the gym. Last week I was spent basically trying to get my appetite back and try to work up my lungs for cardio. This week is all about pushing myself to no end in the gym and getting my diet back on track. I feel like I have to re-teach myself how to get all these meals in. Being sick really put a damper on my mood and esteem reaching a pinnacle as the end of last week. I decided that I needed to shut my head off and take a break, where a vacation isn't possible. So I did. I had a fantastic weekend and it's rolled right into an already spectacular Monday morning. I killed it in the gym, I'm mowing on meal 2 as I type, and I plan to spend the day "getting my house in order" literally and figuratively. I'm done fucking around. I know that I have to power through this week with the motivation that I feel, and prepare myself to ride that wave for the next 13 weeks. Mojo has returned....

blah @ new blog

Hmmm I think it’s about time for  a new blog, yes? It’s been so long since I’ve posted I don’t even remember what this friggin blog is about.

It would seem that I’m a wayward child of competitive fitness; but ummmm I ain’t jacked for shit!  I might get sucked into a place so shallow that I’d believe that fitness came in a particular size if it weren’t for all of the many things that I’ve had going on over the last few months since I’ve “lost my way”. Since March, I made it through the multi-day final hearing of a 2 year custody battle over my 8 year old son Jacob, a volunteer trip to Haiti, studying for and (hopefully) passing my Nursing Boards, and making it through the first month of a 1000 mile custody transition. All while doing the tedious tasks of cooking, cleaning, laundry, gardening, parenting, studying, planning, working out,  traveling, FREAKING OUT, trying to maintain sanity, and DARE I say it, sleeping! Guess what?!?!? I’m motherfucking fit. I can perform at the drop of a hat, woth half an hours rest…. Just sayin.

UGH! I’ve been more than distracted since March 1. Having to abandon my original “debut” left me a bit frazzled in the beginning, but I have to say that that was largely due to self-imposed unrealistic expectations, which I am frequent flier of. I don’t like rest, don’t like taking breaks. I like having so much shit on my plate that I don’t have time to breathe or take a dump. If anything needs to happen, if anybody needs anything I’ll raise my hand before I have a chance to orient myself and um, to be honest, I’m used to getting away with it.

I’m so used to presenting for so many things that I’m never able to commit to 100% but my end result at that level is still usually a damn good job. It seems that fitness just isn’t that way! Lol. APPARENTLY you can’t put forth anything less than 100% and expect to get 100% in return. And um, I tried. I feel lik I’ve worked hard. Mmhmm. I get up early, I lift like a psycho, pump through cardio etc eat clean; but it just isn’t there. I feel the absence of drive, and since it’s been gone, the visibility of progress is lacking. I check shit off of my to-do list, but there’s nothing behind it. “fake it till you make it” doesn’t apply to everything. Especially when it comes to, you know, EVERYTHING.

This blog isn’t even about saying “oh gosh, I haven’t been focused but I am now! Har har har” …….. I’ve done those blogs before and want to delete them, but doing so would be invalidating. INSTEAD, I make no fucking promises. (Yeah I said fucking) I’m not promising anybody shit. My desire to do this is my own so I don’t feel the need to be accountable to someone else; I’m accountable to me. I’ll make my OWN goals and anybody that REALLY knows me knows that nothing is changing in my world unless I want it. I’ll set my own fucking date. I’m looking for an igniting spark to burn my ass, not kudos.

The fact of the matter is that I’ve never done anything in life that I didn’t excel at, and I’m not about to start now. I’ve never given up, I’ve never failed. Sometimes I slack to see what I can get away with, but I fucking love being yelled at. Idk what to tell you. That being said, I don’t want to hear anyone else’s expectations of me projected….

I’m on it. My desires haven’t changed. I will compete. I will compete again.,. and again.. and again.

I won’t compete today tough.

And I’m okay with that….. I’m still going to the fucking gym at the ass crack of dawn tomorrow.

Still counting down

I'm just shy of 9 weeks until the Miami show and I don't know how I feel. Not in a bad way though. I'm trying to think ahead and make sure that I'm prepared and in doing so, I've set a simple goal for myself. That goal is to hit my workouts 100% this week, and my nutrition at 80% or better. I'm also changing the way I mentally visualize my week. Since my checkins are on Thursdays I've decided to make that the start of my week and to be honest, I don't know why I haven't been doing that all along. I have to say, being able to better keep track of what I'm doing excites me. Also, weekends should be easier to tackle if they are considered midweek as opposed to weekend, don't you think?

So far, this week is going great. I'm ahead in my cardio, right on track with my strength training sessions, and I have gym dates lined up throughout the rest of the week. Last thing on my list is yoga. I want to get back into the routine of going 2-3 times a week but last week that didn't quite go over well. This week I'm scheduling it in my calender and not budging it. There is such a noticeable difference in my training when I regularly practice yoga. Not to mention it just makes me feel great!

So onward I tread through this week, looking to hit my goals and to actually CHECK IN when it's time for me to. Can't wait to move on to next week!

Had to post this.....

"If you must begin then go all the way, because if you begin and quit, the unfinished business you have left behind begins to haunt you all the time."
– Chögyam Trungpa


I just had to log in and post this because it is so apropos to my last blog post.

Steady State Cardio Playlist

Ciara- "I'm On"

DJ Khaled- "All I do is Win"
                   "We Takin Over"

Estelle- "American Boy"

Juno Reactor- "Pistolero" (original)

Kings of leon- "Sex on Fire"

Lady Gaga- "Telephone"

Ludacris- "How Low"

Nicki Minaj- "Massive Attack"

Oakenfold- "Faster Kill Pussycat"

Omarion & Kat Deluna- "Cut Off Time"

Presidents of the USA- "Lump"

Three 6 Mafia- "Feel It"

Timbaland- "Morning After Dark"
                  "Carry Out"

Usher (Nicki Minaj) "Lil Freak"

Wale - "Pretty Girls"

Ying Yang Twins- "Drop"

HIIT cardio playlist

Again in alphabetical order for the sake of listing them, but played randomly. This list seems shorter, but most of the songs are 6,7,8minutes a piece. One of them is even 10 minutes. I love it because it really keeps me going and passes the time.

Hardknox- "Attitude"

Juno Reactor- "Komit"
                      "Masters of the universe"
                      "Pistolero" (Juno Reactor mix)
                      "High Energy Protons" (Orion mix)

Kill Transmission- "Despair"

Meg Lee Chin (of Pigface)- "And God She Created Civilization"

New Order- "Confusion" (pump panel reconstruction)... This is that awesome song from Blade.... you know the one.

NIN- "Survivalism"
          "The Perfect Drug"

Oakenfold (feat. Britney Murphy) "Faster Kill Pussycat"

Orgy- "Blue Monday"

The Rapture- "House of Jealous Lovers"

VNV Nation- "Savior"
                      "Epicentre"
                      "Fearless"
                      "Interceptor"
                      "Joy"--- I always like this as a last song. I turn the resistance up super high and try to kill myself right at the end.

Lifting Playlist

First one is my Lifting playlist in alphabetical order by artist just to make it easy, however it will be played on shuffle.



Beastie Boys - "So Whatcha Want"


Bjork -"Army of Me" (Graham Massy remix)
           "Enjoy" (Outcast remix)


Ciara - "oh"


DJ KAhled "All I do is Win"
                  "We Takin Over"


Fabulous- "My Time"


Juno Reactor- "Masters of the Universe"
                      "High Energy Protons" (Orion Mix)
                      "Conga Fury"


Lady Gaga- "Telephone"


Lil Wayne- "Prom Queen"
                  "A Milli"


Meg Lee chin (of Pigface) "Scarecrow"


Nicki Minaj "Massive Attack"


NIN  - "Deep"


Orgy- "Stitches"


Primus- "My Name is Mudd"


Rich Boy - "Drop"


Slipknot- "The Virus of Life"


T.I. "Whats up, Whats Happenin"


Trina- "That's my Attitude"

Usher (feat Nicki Minaj) "Lil Freak"


Vnv Nation - "Fearless"


Wale- "Pretty Girls"


Young Jeezy- "Go GEtta"
                     "Who Dat"
                     "Put On"

The Newborns Have Been Delivered!

No I'm not talking about babies.... I'm talking about NEW WORKOUT PLAYLISTS!!!!

I have 3 and I'm willing to share them all because I think that they're oh so good! This post is particularly for Lisa Peakes...

I have to say that I really did some digging on this one. I Downloaded a good number of new songs and went back and browsed my past lists for some of my favorite recent workout songs.  I think all in all, there's a damn good mix of stuff in here.....

After the 3 hours I've spent on this I can't wait to get my ass back in the gym to try them out...

Here goes: (find them in the next 3 posts)

Getting Back

Alright, so I've had some time to think long and hard the past day or two, and I've got my head together. The little bit of a break that I had really threw me for a big one. I couldn't seem to figure out how I had lost my groooooveeeeee. I've been working out and eating clean the past 2 weeks since being back, but I still felt totally lost and that I didn't know what was going on. I finally figured it out: A clear goal.

Yes, I have long decided on what my new competition date will be, but after having to "change the plan" I got a little whacked. This being my first competition I was easily deterred when my original plan didn't happen as I planned. Even though I KNOW that it's okay to re-evaluate my goals and restructure my plan to get there, I didn't really believe it. I've been going through the motions half-heartedly recently claiming that I'm ready for the next step. Ready for the NEW plan. I'm flexible and capable of adaptation, blah blah blah you get the picture. After all of that, I've realized that my PROBLEM was that I hadn't REALLY committed myself to my new goal. While the IDEA of competing was still alive and kicking, I had lost my perspective of what was really required of me to reach my goal. 

How can I faithfully pursue something that I haven't committed to to begin with?

To actually make it to the stage is going to take far more than just going through the motions, but for some reason this totally fell out of my mind. With that being said, I'm here to say that I have (re) COMMITTED myself to this experience and this process and fully intend to pursue my goal of competing at Universe in Miami on June 19th 2010.

oh hey! 10 weeks?

I don't even know anymore; but I know that I'm somewhere between here and there.

Weeks ago I declared that I was 10 weeks out which OBVIOUSLY is not true.

After returning from Haiti I really had to re-evaluate my goals and my competition date had to change. It seems that I had bitten off more than I could chew.

Now I've found myself in some place between being rip roaring and ready to go, and afraid that I won't be prepared because I've been set back; and subsequently altered my course.

I'm okay with an alteration. I have reset myself and collected my day to day plans from THIS moment on, and it is from here that I press on.

10 weeks out.

\

10 weeks!

Now that I'm in the home stretch, I'm going to try my best to blog weekly about what I'm doing, how I'm doing, what I need to do, etc. As long as I can keep up with this, I think it will be a fun way for me to track my progress in these last weeks, which are the weeks where the changes are easily seen week to week.

I think that this week is going to be a big one for me because I really need to step it up! I've got to get more high intensity cardio sessions in, and I really need to get back on track with getting yoga in 3x a week. I can't even begin to describe how good my body feels when I incorporate yoga at least that often.I think that with a little tightening up of my schedule and some good old fashioned time management, I'll be able to get it all done without a hitch.

I'm dubbing this my power week, and I plan to make it just that. Next Saturday, I want to think back on the week and say "man that was one kick ass week". I know that once I step it up, there's no turning back.

Change of plan, but still on track.

After much deliberation, I decided to abandon my goal of competing in Fitness Atlantic on April 17th. While I will likely day-trip it for finals, I won't be there for the whole event. I spent a day pouting about it, but all in all, it's just the best thing for me to do. I have a lot going on over the next couple of weeks and not only will the stress be insurmountable, but now I've learned that the financial requirements are also out of this world. I just have to put my priorities in check! In doing so, I've decided that the Jay Cutler on May 2nd will be my first competition rather than my second. 

I'm sad that I won't be sharing the stage with all of my Savage homies, but all is well. I'll just share the stage with them a couple weeks later. No biggie. SO onward and outward! I have a few more weeks to prep and I have to say, I don't mind at all. Tomorrow morning, I'm gonna wake up and head to Sunday Session with my new (but preexisting) goal date in mind.

Camp Savage 2010

This past weekend I attended my very first Camp Savage at Cathy's studio in Norwood. Having been going to Sunday Sessions since September or October, I wasn't nervous as I've come to know (and LOVE) so many Savage Girls. I expected a familiar atmosphere with familiar faces. I expected to learn more about competitive fitness, get some practice time in my heels, and as always to have a kickass workout.

I didn't expect what I got.

I didn't expect that out of the 50+ ladies in attendance, I'd feel equally connected to each of them as if I had known them all for years. I wasn't prepared to be so blown away by some of the stories these women shared about themselves and their journeys in fitness. The one thing that shocked me the most was just the overall feeling that we are all family. You think of getting that many women together for the purpose of learning to compete against each other in this sport and the first thing that comes to my mind is being stabbed in the temple with a 6" clear plastic stiletto, while being held in a headlock by some big burly butch bitch who is trying to steal your protein powder.

Since I've been involved with CSF I've heard about (and experienced) the great comradery that is the greatest benefit of being a part of this team. What I didn't expect was that this same geniality and warmth could translate into a larger group dynamic, especially one with so many absolute strangers. There is something to be said about the power of knowing that when you're pushing yourself beyond your limits, you've got a whole team of like minded people right behind you cheering you on and genuinely rooting for you to barrel through any personal barriers. 

That being said, I'll reiterate that I've longed to compete since I was a teenager. Even though in the past I set goals for myself, I never knew what tools would prove more important in helping me to get there. I know now that it's about more than just me and I'll never get there if I seek to do it on my own. Though it may sound silly to those who have no interest in doing what I'm doing, but without a doubt, being a part of this team has been, and will continue to be one of the most enlightening, amazing, and fuzzy feel good puppies and rainbows type experiences I'll ever have.

Happy New Year

This year certainly hasn't started off with the great bang that I expected. I've missed appointments, gym dates, been late for work, hurt my back, all in the first week of the year. It feels like my intentions are there, but my mind is just MIA.It's like I've got this BOSS master plan, but I haven't caught up to it yet. I'm still moving at 2009 pace. After about 5 days of this ridiculousness, I checked up on my astroanalysis for the year and GUESS WHAT? According to "the stars" my New Year is projected to start off roughly  until around the 15th when planetary alignment changes, thwarting me into the beginning of great things. It projected that this will be a powerhouse of a year for me, (which I can feel) and warned of burning out early on. Funny, but I've thought about the same thing with all of the goals I have planned.

All metaphysical arguments aside, (because I'm not interested in hearing anyone's religious rhetoric against astrology) I think it's nifty to ready something like this that really does fall right in line with what I'm experiencing. That being said, my negative feeling about the way the year has started have ceased, and instead I'm pushing on the best I can until things straighten out on their own and I begin MY new year. I also have to be careful not to burnout too soon. I know this is a real threat because I tend to be very idealistic and "want it all right now". Patience has been one of the biggest challenges that I've faced in the past couple of years, but it still seems that I can't quite get grasp the idea of sitting back and waiting for things to unfold. I like to agitate and force things, which isn't always a good thing. This month, and this whole year for that matter I have to remember to focus on the day to day, rather than big picture.

I have goals and roadmaps to achieve them. All that I need to do now is take them one step at a time.