Losing it!!!

At this point, I've kind of lost myself. I don't remember how far out I am, something like 4 weeks, 3 weeks almost? I'm kind of just trucking along quietly, trying to keep from asking myself WHY I'm doing this to begin with because well, asking myself that question right now just may thwart my October 23rd goal.

So far, outside of gym and diet activities, I have my suit and shoes, I booked my makeup appt, I know what I'm doing with my hair, I just have to schedule to get my nails done, body hair removal (yikes) and try out tanning products. OH and most importantly, nail my posing and my walk.

I can't help but feel like I need to also re-motivate myself. I feel like every little thing is distracting me, not because it's ACTUALLY a distraction, but because I think I'm searching for an excuse not to do this show. I really don't want this to happen, so I think I'm going to have to make a real concerted effort to keep it at bay. After the shit that has consumed my life for the past few years, I can tolerate ANYTHING for 3 weeks, and that's what I'm just going to have to tell myself everyday.

But for now, I need to update my playlist with even harder jams than last week... I totally need a boost.

GANGSTA Playlist

I took all of my favorites from the past 6-8 months or so and tossed them into this pot. I added a couple of new things but not much. In the past I had been dividing playlists by lifting, SS cardio, and high intensity, but after just throwing it all together I think I'm happy with what I got. I have to say, I've really enjoyed myself in the gym these past few days. lol I guess it's kind of hard looking back at it, but I love it. These songs are in no particular order either. I usually pick a song to start with, then hit shuffle for the rest.

Enjoy!

Deftones- Rocket Skates
Nine Inch Nails - Heresy
Lincoln Park- Bleed it Out
Prodigy- Mindfields
The Immortals- Mortal Kombat Theme
Korn- Coming Undone
Metallica- Die Die My Darling
Danzig- Belly of The Beast
Young Geezy- Go Getta
Nine Inch Nails - Deep
Eminem w/ Pink- Won't Back Down
White Zombie- More Human Than Human
VNV Nation- Interceptor
Korn- Twisted Transistor
Gilbere Forte- Black Chukkas
Prodigy- Smack My bitch up (oldie but goodie)
50 Cent- Get Up
Slipknot- New Abortion
Korn- Oildale (leave me alone)
Godsmack- Keep Away
David ?Guetta- Gettin over
Social Distortion- Reach For the Sky
Eminem- Almost Famous
White Zombie- Creature at the Wheel
Slipknot- Psychosocial
Prodigy- Firestarter
Metallica- Fuel
Nine Inch Nails- We're in the Together
Slipknot- Spit it out
Nine Inch Nails- Sin (from Halo 17)
Godsmack- Straight out of Line
TI- Swagga Like Us
Three 6 mafia- Stay Fly
New ORder- Confusion
VNV Nation- Joy
Young Jeezy- Who dat
Ozzy Osbourne- Let me HEar you Scream
Deftones- Diamond Eyes

Not Giving Up Now

So now I'm about 6 weeks out from my show, and basically it's now or never. I think I've successfully used up every excuse in the book in order to procrastinate just a bit before really buckling down and getting this done. I no longer have room for error. Now, this might scare me, but considering the fact that I've just always been the type of person that holds off until the last minute before really pushing through, I'm more excited about the next 6 weeks (5.5ish?) than I was when I decided that I wanted to compete.

Yes that's right, I'm a procrastinator. But that's not because I'm lazy, but rather I just can't move at a slow steady pace. I have to bang things out in one fell swoop, which has basically been the way I've approached this competition business. I've noticed as I've mentioned before that I'll totally bust ass for a good 4-5 weeks and make great progress, then cool off for a few days or so before pushing again. This is probably the most risky thing that I could do, but you know what? I'm determined to bang out the next 6 weeks with NOFEAR and plenty of psychotic obsession over what I'm eating, how I'm resting, and what I'm doing in the gym.

My power song for this? oh keep reading. It's not Godsmack, but it certainly makes me optimistic about my commitment to the next 6 weeks. It's called "We're Not Giving Up Now"


So I'm back in the gym @ 5am M-F, and doing other random psychotic classes on the weekends such as Sunday Session, spin, and Level as best as I can tolerate while staving off injuries. I'm just going to have to take this 1 day at a time, moment by moment, pushing myself like it's my only day to work that hard. Then get right back up the next day and do it again.

Alone Time: The Elusive Dream

It seems like I'm never allotted enough time to just sit on my ass and just be. I love being alone in such a way that allows me just enough time to clear my head. I love the feeling of having scratched everything off of my to do list and just being able to just BLAHHHHHHHHH! This feeling is right on the tip of my tongue and I just can't wait!

I've spent the past 4 days cleaning the house from top to bottom, doing every ounce of laundry, putting checks in the mail, 4-5 doctors appointments for me and Jacob, various meetings, trips, scheduling, and other menial tasks for the chance to just sit on my ass tomorrow and not have these things looming in the back of my head. These things pull at my brain stem and keep me from being able to let go and I'm over it! I've been such a high strung wreck lately and I'M HAVING NONE OF IT TOMORROW! RAWRRRR

It just feels so good to be able to take a breath when you need it. Man am I glad that I don't own any weapons, because this chance doesn't roll around too often.

I'm gonna treat myself to a mani-pedi, maybe a walk around town with my lover, Frank (my ipod) before I head home it sit around the house burning a self made oil blend while enjoying one of the 5 books that I'm currently reading. I want my BIGGEST dilemma tomorrow to be "should I make this a Mingus and Davis evening, or a Krishna Das and Dead Can Dance one?"

Tendonitis

"Most injuries involving the Iron come from ego. I once spent a few weeks lifting weight that my body wasn't ready for and spent a few months not picking up anything heavier than a fork. Try to lift what you're not prepared to and the Iron will teach you a little lesson in restraint and self-control" -Henry Rollins

Well. I guess I got schooled.

Anybody Have a Shovel?

I need to do some digging.

I'm something like 9 weeks out and feel like I need a little boost! This past week wasn't the best for me for one reason or another, but I'm determined to make this week so much better. It seems that I follow a little pattern of behavior when it comes to "pushing it" in the gym. I go hard for 4-5 weeks, then I slack. Like I need a break or need to reset. I haven't yet figured out what's up with this or how to get past it completely, but I have some theories and I'm all about testing them out.

I think that just as workouts and diets have to be changed up and switched around in order to achieve results, so must one's motivation. The progress that I achieved over the past 6 weeks (which was a 5 pound weight loss) had nothing to do with my goal of competing in October. It was because I made a bet with someone that I could lose that amount of weight before he would hit his weight loss goal in the same time period. Believe me when I say that I busted my ass to get there. Managed to fark around and get shin splints in the meantime, and even with that injury as a potential excuse, I pushed ahead anyway and met my goal.

Now what?

Well I still have my competition goal date of October 23rd. I'm also doing Warrior Dash in September. But what is it that will afford me the same determination as when I made that bet? Perhaps I need another specific goal as I had before? Or someone to make me accountable? Pffffft wait what? I HAVE a specific goal. and I HAVE people to be accountable to. But What is gonna make me get out of bed every morning with the same fierce energy and desire as the weeks past?

I ask these questions of myself and I think of this song "Cryin Like a Bitch" By Godsmack. You can find the video below and I encourage you to actually check it out. Besides the fact that having the ever-sexy Sully Erna scream at you that you're crying like a bitch, I find these specific parts of the song to be particularly motivating in a somewhat nagging and demeaning manner:

"I'm tougher than nails.
I can promise you that.
Step out of line
And you get bitch-slapped back.
And you can run
Your little mouth all day,
But the hand of God
Just smacked you back into yesterday

Blinded by
Your sacred faded past times
Only time is your enemy.
Granted a second chance
To prove that your arrogance
Is stronger than you'll ever be.
It's stronger than you can be"

Kind of makes you want to be like "IT IS NOT! I'LL SHOW YOU!!" Aside from that, watching these UFC guys train and fight in the video just makes me want to drop and bust out 100 pushups. The energy in this video is just amazing.



With all of that being said, I need to get my shit together. I need a very specific motivator by the end of the day; one that will actually work. Anybody wanna place any bets, I'm down. In the meantime, I need to compile some new tunes to get me going in the gym, since I'll be flying solo next week. :(

A Little Excitement Never Hurt Anybody..........

I certainly can't survive without it! I've had the best summer and nothing particularly marked has even occurred that would cause someone (who wasn't me) to say "oh hey that's really cool". I've had a lot to be excited about but I think that what I've been most impressed with are my relationships with people. I've met some truly AMAZING people this year, and have taken the time to get reacquainted with old friends and I have to say that each and every one of them has enhanced my life in a magnanimous way! I'm really happy ot know such good people.

Enough of that.

So as of right now I'm planning to do the NPC New Englands in Boston in October, and while I plan to go to Vegas in November, I'm a little unsure as to whether or not I want to compete there. Part of me wants to go to experience VEgas because well, I've never been. I won't be able to do that during my time there if I compete unless I stay longer, which isn't really possible in November. We'll see how it goes.

I've also vowed to be better at blogging.. YA know, doing it more frequently, and actually making good posts. lol I just haven't allocated the necessary time to that sort of thing. I'll get on it... My next post will be AMAZINGGGG!!! LOL