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My SUPERWOMAN!!!

I've thought about posting a blog about this girl for a couple of months now and I guess put it off because I wanted to organize the words.... But every time I hear this song I think of her. And with the intro on this particular live version I will never hear this song without her in mind.



What amazes me about people is just how different we all are. In this life where you meet so many people and you're expected to form some sort of menial relationship with them all, it's often hard to wean out the good jelly beans from the bad. I've never met anyone in my life like this girl!



We met while tending bar together in a shit bar in GA, and I can't even mention some of the trouble we've gotten into together. She's been there for some of the greatest highs of my life as well as some of the deepest depressions and has always been the same reliable HONEST chick. I can always count on her to tell me the truth, and to lie to me when she KNOWS I need to be lied to. I've never known anyone in my life that has been soooooo loyal to our friendship and to me, and one could only hope to know a gal like this in all their days on Earth.

My gosh Lisa, I think back and I can't believe that I've only known you for something like 6 years. It totally feels like we shared space in the nursery as newborns!!!!

I love you so much and I'm so glad that my life has been enhanced by knowing you. It really is such a gift, and to bring this full circle to some degree, just know that I will never take you for granted.

PS I tried to post the pic where you sneak kissed me at the moose but for some reason the photo link isn't here....

"I am always doing that which I can not do, in order that I may learn how to do it."
– Pablo Picasso

19 days out!!!

I was on the stepmill this morning and as I zoned out to forget about the burning in my legs, I started thinking about this journey. I thought back to my very first time on the stepmill and how I couldn't make it past 15 minutes at like level 4 and here I was doing 45 mins up to level 12. When I began this road to compete (beit a whole year ago) I don't think it ever really sunk in that I would become more fit. I wasn't aware that I would be crashing through personal barriers one day at a time and pushing myself through some of the toughest mental struggles I've faced to date (and I've had plenty). All I had in mind was being on stage in a bikini and I assumed that I would be terrified and unprepared. Competing is something that I've wanted to do for so many years, but it's always been something that I've believed was so far away from me and something that I'd likely not experience.

Well now here I am 19 days out from my very first competition. With all of the emotions that I'm feeling right now and the fear and anxiety of not making it, I know that I will. It's taken a while but I've finally gotten to the place where I believe that this is real, and I'm gonna do it because it's in me. I put on my suit and heels yesterday and for the first time ever, I was so comfortable in it I felt like I could just stroll around the house all day in it. For the first time I felt like it belonged on my body.

I look at myself in the mirror and I'm amazed at what I'm looking at, and in 19 days I will no longer have to look at pictures of other people for motivation because I'll have my OWN pictures to motivate me. Once I'm on and off that stage, watch out. All I need to do is get the "First time jitters" out of the way and then it's on like DONKEY KONG.

That stage is mine and I'm gonna frigging rock it like nobody's business.... And then I'm probably gonna cry like a baby in the arms of anyone that hugs me. lol

Losing it!!!

At this point, I've kind of lost myself. I don't remember how far out I am, something like 4 weeks, 3 weeks almost? I'm kind of just trucking along quietly, trying to keep from asking myself WHY I'm doing this to begin with because well, asking myself that question right now just may thwart my October 23rd goal.

So far, outside of gym and diet activities, I have my suit and shoes, I booked my makeup appt, I know what I'm doing with my hair, I just have to schedule to get my nails done, body hair removal (yikes) and try out tanning products. OH and most importantly, nail my posing and my walk.

I can't help but feel like I need to also re-motivate myself. I feel like every little thing is distracting me, not because it's ACTUALLY a distraction, but because I think I'm searching for an excuse not to do this show. I really don't want this to happen, so I think I'm going to have to make a real concerted effort to keep it at bay. After the shit that has consumed my life for the past few years, I can tolerate ANYTHING for 3 weeks, and that's what I'm just going to have to tell myself everyday.

But for now, I need to update my playlist with even harder jams than last week... I totally need a boost.

GANGSTA Playlist

I took all of my favorites from the past 6-8 months or so and tossed them into this pot. I added a couple of new things but not much. In the past I had been dividing playlists by lifting, SS cardio, and high intensity, but after just throwing it all together I think I'm happy with what I got. I have to say, I've really enjoyed myself in the gym these past few days. lol I guess it's kind of hard looking back at it, but I love it. These songs are in no particular order either. I usually pick a song to start with, then hit shuffle for the rest.

Enjoy!

Deftones- Rocket Skates
Nine Inch Nails - Heresy
Lincoln Park- Bleed it Out
Prodigy- Mindfields
The Immortals- Mortal Kombat Theme
Korn- Coming Undone
Metallica- Die Die My Darling
Danzig- Belly of The Beast
Young Geezy- Go Getta
Nine Inch Nails - Deep
Eminem w/ Pink- Won't Back Down
White Zombie- More Human Than Human
VNV Nation- Interceptor
Korn- Twisted Transistor
Gilbere Forte- Black Chukkas
Prodigy- Smack My bitch up (oldie but goodie)
50 Cent- Get Up
Slipknot- New Abortion
Korn- Oildale (leave me alone)
Godsmack- Keep Away
David ?Guetta- Gettin over
Social Distortion- Reach For the Sky
Eminem- Almost Famous
White Zombie- Creature at the Wheel
Slipknot- Psychosocial
Prodigy- Firestarter
Metallica- Fuel
Nine Inch Nails- We're in the Together
Slipknot- Spit it out
Nine Inch Nails- Sin (from Halo 17)
Godsmack- Straight out of Line
TI- Swagga Like Us
Three 6 mafia- Stay Fly
New ORder- Confusion
VNV Nation- Joy
Young Jeezy- Who dat
Ozzy Osbourne- Let me HEar you Scream
Deftones- Diamond Eyes

Not Giving Up Now

So now I'm about 6 weeks out from my show, and basically it's now or never. I think I've successfully used up every excuse in the book in order to procrastinate just a bit before really buckling down and getting this done. I no longer have room for error. Now, this might scare me, but considering the fact that I've just always been the type of person that holds off until the last minute before really pushing through, I'm more excited about the next 6 weeks (5.5ish?) than I was when I decided that I wanted to compete.

Yes that's right, I'm a procrastinator. But that's not because I'm lazy, but rather I just can't move at a slow steady pace. I have to bang things out in one fell swoop, which has basically been the way I've approached this competition business. I've noticed as I've mentioned before that I'll totally bust ass for a good 4-5 weeks and make great progress, then cool off for a few days or so before pushing again. This is probably the most risky thing that I could do, but you know what? I'm determined to bang out the next 6 weeks with NOFEAR and plenty of psychotic obsession over what I'm eating, how I'm resting, and what I'm doing in the gym.

My power song for this? oh keep reading. It's not Godsmack, but it certainly makes me optimistic about my commitment to the next 6 weeks. It's called "We're Not Giving Up Now"


So I'm back in the gym @ 5am M-F, and doing other random psychotic classes on the weekends such as Sunday Session, spin, and Level as best as I can tolerate while staving off injuries. I'm just going to have to take this 1 day at a time, moment by moment, pushing myself like it's my only day to work that hard. Then get right back up the next day and do it again.